I am sat in the office and my colleague throws a strop and says ‘Do you have to be such a bastard all the time?’

Now what sort of stupid question is that? I should have just slapped them there and then but realised that I needed to educate them on a simple fact.

Everybody Is A Bastard At Work

Whether by deed or thought work is worse than a playground.

Disagree?

Take my Am I a bastard at work test? and find out.

Q1. You are sat waiting for that promotion interview and your colleague (who is also going for it) asks you for some insider tips.
Do you:

A. Sit there and give them all the knowledge you have – even if you know they are a better candidate – but hey it is rude not to answer.

B. Stare at them like they are a piece of shit you just scraped off your shoes and pointedley ignore them.

C. Smile and lie through your teeth – telling them the complete opposite of what they need to know. Knowing you will be their boss and can do nothing to you in revenge.

Q2. The envelope is being passed around for yet another sick/dead/pregnant/birthday colleague.
Do you:

A. Put your hand in your purse or wallet and dig deep thinking they would do the same for me so what the hell.

B. Pretend to dig deep in your pocket, give the envelope a loud shake so it sounds like you put some money in – but don’t give a penny.

C. Loudly announce to the office that the slacking bastard owes you X amount which they have been avoiding paying back and that you are going to take it from the envelope and call it even.

Q3. On your lunchbreak you are confronted by a Big Issue Seller/Beggar/Pan Handler waving a cup and spare changing you.
Do you:

A. Put in a pound/dollar and think everybody is down on their luck and head back to the office feeling good.

B. Mutter under your breath that you have no change and walk away with no eye contact.

C. Smile, look them in the eye and say ‘yes I have plenty of change, none of it spare you lazy fuck’. Then proceed to empty their cup into your pocket and stroll away singing ‘ It’s a hard life’.

Q4. You are constantly bullied into being the coffee or tea boy/girl in the workplace.
Do you:

A. Grit your teeth and think well somebody has to make the drinks and at least I know I am making myself a decent drink.

B. Smirk to yourself as you know the water that was just obtained from the toilet to boil up that drink.

C. Jump off your seat and shout yes ‘I would love to do the drinks!’ Urinate into the kettle and exchange the artificial sweetners for stacks of sugar so you can watch the fatty diabetic go into glacemic shock and hit a coma at their desk. Also insist they have those extra doughnuts so you can monitor the heart disease of your colleagues.

Q5. Your colleague is a fad diet obssessive and/or a recovering anorexic. The ask you if they look fat.
Do you:

A. Look at them and say you look great – and think you have done the good for the day by uplifiting theirs.

B. Roll your eyes and mutter something none committall about how it is how you feel on the inside.

C. Stare at them and then say ‘Are you bullshitting me about you being an anorexic – damn you look fat.’

If you answered mostly A’s

You are either a doormat that has become secretly bitter and twisted at your inability to voice your ‘inner bastard’ or you have been telling lies which makes you a bigger bastard than is given credit for.

If you answered mostly B’s

You are in touch with your ‘inner bastard’ but have yet to delve the true depths of true bastardom. Keep working my fine apprentice and the bastard-side will be yours!

If you answered mostly C’s

I worship at the feet of a true bastard! You have mastered your ‘inner bastard’. The office/workplace fears your views and quakes at you volunteering for anything. You are likley to be poisoned or stabbed in the back by an up and coming bastard. A small price to pay for such excesses.

Well glad to have solved that little problem.

😉

Take Care
Matthew